A Day In The Life

I revert back to the pain
things I sought to forget long ago.
I fear what is going to happen next
His presence brings it back to me so.
I feel the heaviness in the air
and I hear him cocking his gun.
I pray to God that nothing happens
I’m frozen and all I want to do is run.
We get him out of the house.
Praise be to God, things were fine.
It is all over, but the memory remains
and the feelings I feel, are along the same line.

1/24/03

I see your love
And it always hurts
To see how love
Is supposed to be
The random I love you’s
Open my eyes
And I see the ways
A family is to love
I long for this love
But none is to be found
For I never had seen it
Among my family.

1/24/03

The door is closed and locked
hiding everything that’s within.
I cut off my life
letting no one in.
I long to share the pain
and release the pressures in my heart.
But I fear you won’t care
about all that has torn me apart.
So I hide all my pain inside
and everyday I lock it away.
For if I let anyone know
I don’t know what they would say.

1/24/03

I long to be held in your arms
To be surrounded by the comfort of your love
I’ve been so strong for so long
I’m becoming weak
I can no longer get by on my own
I need someone to say I love you
To know that someone cares
I can no longer take the burden of this pain alone
I need you there to comfort me
And say that it all will be fine
The pain will be over soon
But I have not found you yet
So again, another night
I am alone with my pain

9/28/02

I’ve always been blamed,
It’s always been my fault.
“What’d you do this time?”
Dad would always ask.
I never did anything,
But somehow I always did it.
And if my brother got yelled at
He would come and yell at me
And draw his hand back in rage.
It’s not my fault
And I want them all to realize that
Because I can no longer
Take it all on.

To give up everything I’ve known
And live the life I’ve always wanted
Is harder than I thought it would be
I keep holding on to those things I hated

My heart is torn in separate directions
Because I cannot seem to fully let go
I look ahead and see all I can accomplish
But I look behind and see all that I had known

To let go is the hardest thing I’ve ever done
So hard that I continually try and return
But if I return to what I let go
I will have failed and have to relearn.

I hate the way I fell inside
all I want to do is curl up and cry.
Did you not think what it would do?
You have torn us all in two.
Did you think that you could lie
and Dad would let it just pass by?
Did you ever think of how much it would hurt?
Or had you been digging so much that all you could see was dirt?
You told me to never do anything that would tear us all apart.
I didn’t want the role, but you took the part.
I’m shocked and amazed at what you have done.
I can’t believe that you thought it was fun.
I don’t know if you thought he could take Dad’s place,
but I never again want to see your face.

4/13/02

I cry out
Yet no one seems to hear me
My still small voice
Can no longer be heard
Thoughts wrestle in my head
And torment me to insanity
I just don’t know what to do anymore
My hole’s been dug too deep
I need to stand up
And overcome my fears
But the pain inside of me
Is too strong to let me go
I’m crying out
To overcome my fears
But I just can’t get
Beyond all my tears

1/12/02